My Funny Picture - Is there light at the end?

Is there light at the end?

When I was young, I was always an outcast. Whether or not it would be within the family or outside. Like school for instance. Now I know that this may sound similar to what many others have felt and been through. I'm just looking for some clearification and closure on my behalf. I'm 26 now. When I was younger, I know my mom and dad loved me and all but they always kinda treated me many times with no respect and taunted me at times. Many parents must have done this as well im sure im no different. Like I said, it's all on mybehalf. My dad died of lung cancer when I was 12. I never really felt like I bonded too well with him yet I have many memories of him and remember doing the little things with him such as fishing, going to see "White Men Can't Jump", and "Alien 3", in theatres. My mom kinda treated me soft and when I got into fights in school that were'nt even my fault, she gave me ****. Yet whenever I told my dad about someone bothering me, he said I should probably give him a punch in the nose. Now I was conflicted by them. I regret not taking my dad's approach and ultamitly let people walk all over me until I went crazy. After he died, it was just me, my 10 year older brother who got his role all f$cked up and tried to be a "father" figure, cough cough. He was already a bad brother. And my mother. To this day, I play it nice now, but I have no respect or any real love for the prick. He never respected me when we were young and he and my mom, I got the inpression, never wanted me to be happy. I got the feeling that they at times ganged up on me. When my mom and I argued about something that didn't have anything to do with him yet he would get in and be in my face and make it worse. I hated them, and a part of me still does. I eventually got kicked out of my Junior Highschool due to an incident to which I was the one assualted lmao. I was sent to an alternative school which only made things miraculously worse. I was sent there in the middle of 7th grade and spent the next 4 years there untill I cleaned myself up act wise and got "PAroled" back to my district. I never had any friends really. So I was unprepared for regular highschool and the environment at hand. Once again, I was an outcast, but a "reformed" outcast to an extent. I'm a straight guy but never, ever had a girlfriend. Growing up, my mom and dad made me feel awkward. For some reason, I can't put my finger on it, but I got the impression like I was being treated like a lb rat or some kinda zoo animal. Family members always watching what you do and minding your business all the time, making me feel uncomfortable with no amount of privacy whatsever. Whenever my mom got mad at me during my pre teen years, she made me keep my door open not allowing me to cope in private. I hated her for that. I know she loves me and I love her even though I f%cking hated to hell, she made fun of me like the kids at school did. Constantly insulted my intelligence and said to me that I have to repsect her but she don't for the living hell have to respect me. That she can treat me like crap and I must respect her. LOL no wonder we conflicted all the time. Telling me who my friends should be. Telling me what kind of girls I'm supposed to go out with, not thinking as if I have a mind or a conscience of my own. When it came time to graduate hs, I flunked out of college. The fighting continued for years to come. To make this already long story a little shorter though, I'm 26, still live at home with my mom and brother and feel pretty ashamed about it. I work at UPS and i'm going to school. I've been "seriously" going since I was 23. I'm a criminal Justice major. I still get the feeling that my mom doesn't want me to have a normal life. Even when it comes to girls. I finally figured somethings out about myself though on what I did when I was younger. When I was 16-about 22 I'll say, I used to put pictures of Victoria's Secret models such as Stephanie Seymour, Karen Mulder ect and other girls of other races such as black, asian(My favorites) ect, on the computer screen background. My mom is a kind o person who isn't exactly racist, but she does'nt want us seeing anyone who isn't white. Well me loving asian girls the most has been something ive had a fettish with ever since my early childhood. I just love them. So putting pics of 1990's-2000's model Morena Corwin up there was probably something like me pushing a limti or two and once again making a point. It was to say, "Well what about what I want?" Morena in one pic would be in this Mystique pics where she was wearing a white top with no bra and a thong. Now it was a see-through top because I saw it in her other pics, but this pic, no breasts could be seen. I made sure of that because like I said, I wouldn't do that. But you would be abl to see, you know, the sides of her breasts but no nipples. lol, i know. It does sound funny. Now ofcourse I would never go as far to put nudes up there. Thats going too far and wrong. But just last night I realized why I did that and didnt even need a psychiatrist for that! It was my way of making some kind of point. That I like girls and its normal for me mom!! Sorry I'm not a little boy anymore or gay in your eyes(god forbid if that was what she was really thinking). So I guess through all this rambling, what is up with all of this and is there a point to life? Even my life despite you don't know me? Now, I"m not too sure if my mom has a problem with me having a girlfriend or not, but at times, she sure comes off that way and it makes me sad and angry at the same time as to why me and howcome everyone else can enjoy the pleasures, which are far and few in between, of life? I love my mom, and my late father, and I know they loved me despite all of this. I just wished we were all on the same page and....... I don't know. Maybe I'm just babbling. Can anyone out there clearify this if they can? Sorry for the long post.

Public Comments

To many deep seated emotional issues, seek professional counseling.
Your reflecting back on your life, finish school get your degree and a good paying job then you will see the light.
You rambled a bit, and it got a bit hard to understand the question, but here's what I think - Don't ask 'why me'. Its not why you. Lots of people have pretty bad parents. If you don't like where you are right now, work to change it. You're over 18, you can take control of your life. Your mother can't tell you whom you can and cannot see or date. Its fantastic that you've gone back to school and are working towards a degree. Keep it up. I think one of the major things you need to do is sit your mother down and get her to promise that she won't fight with you. Tell her everything, and if she gets angry, remind her that this isn't a fight, its putting thinks out in the open. Ask her to tell her part, and figure stuff out. Things won't fix themselves overnight, but you certainly need to actively work towards making things better.
Quit a long story and that is the key. Give up the story. Maybe you are not ready to yet, but when you are that will bring your liberation. As we grow up, mature, evolve we can choose what we identify with. We can detach from identifying with our childhood, how we were treated and the things that happened. We stop telling the story. It is done, over and will never be again. A book that might help you immensely, if you are ready for it, is "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. It is full of the most amazing insights I have ever read and I read a lot. All the best to you!
For some unknown reason your family members are what are referred to as toxic people. You wouldn't live by a toxic dump would you? Move two or three states away from these people. In time you will have your own loving family.