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Adding details to earlier question....at a crossroads & need advice.?

I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. He will be 25 in October, I will be 24 in December. We have been living together for six months. Up until 3 weeks ago, I was absolutely in love with him. I have been getting frustrated with him since he doesn't pick up after himself, and can only do something (like take out the garbage) when asked. He is pretty lazy when it comes to cleaning, and also when it comes to jobs. He has been in the same job for almost two years, and seems comfortable (this is ok). However, he does not have any plans what he wants to do next, and he doesn't seem to want more responsibility or to make more money. I, on the other hand, will be looking to "move up" within a year, because I want to make a comfortable life style for myself and my family (in the future). I do pretty much everything around the house. The bills are in my name and I handle them, because he can't be trusted with this kind of thing. He wanted to get a new car and asked me for help. He wants to network with people from college and asked me for help. I even had to help him set up online banking. I used to think it was cute, but now I just want to be with a man instead of taking care of a boy. Picturing a life with him really seems exhausting. His family talks about what our kids will be like, and his dad said that he hopes we will get married in the future. My boyfriend and I have talked about marriage/kids. Now I think I am having a change of heart. The catch is that he is a REALLY genuine guy. He is incredibly funny, and very kind. He is romantic and is absolutely in love with me. I worry that I am making a mistake or that I will be losing someone really special if I let him go. He would never cheat, and he would make an excellent father. Really just a wonderful, good-hearted guy. HELP!!!!!!!!! I'm torn and distraught about this. Thanks in advance. Added details: I have asked him on numerous occasions to try and help out more. He has been saying for over a year that he wants to call his coaches from college and seek guidance/advice from them. He asked me for help with that. In my mind, I am thinking, I don't know the people that he knows and I am not the one with their phone numbers/email addresses- so why is he asking for my help? I feel like he should step up and be a man and take care of himself for himself. He has all the resources in the world and he doesn't use them. We have two cats and he has fed them twice in the 6 months we've been living together. He has turned the dish washer on ONCE in the 6 months we've been living together. (He had to ask me how to turn it on) Here is one example of something that was really annoying: One weekend I had gone to my parents house, and he had a buddy over to our apartment and they made a mess of it. Sunday I get back and he had to leave to go to his mom's. He just left the apartment a mess. I couldn't believe it. I think I have reached my breaking point. If i have to take care of myself, my boyfriend, and my cats, then I'd rather just live with myself and take care of my cats. And I probably have my answer, I just don't know if it's a smart decision to leave a very sweet yet very messy, unambitious person. Again, thanks for everyones help. I wouldn't care so much that he doesn't clean if he had a set plan for us for the future or if he wanted to make sure we will be secure. I feel like I will be the one making the money, doing all of the cleaning, taking care of the bills, and everything else. I am going to talk to him this weekend about it. Wish me luck. About his current job that he has no current intention of leaving- he HATES it. complains about it everyday. Doesn't do jack about it. I tell him he should start looking for a new one, but he never does.

Public Comments

1. wow..you just described my husbands habit. All I could tell you that if you plan on marrying this guy then you need to put your foot down. Remember you will be always paying the bills. And you will have to push him to get a better job and work hard. You will have to work on him and teach him to pick up after himself. It took me almost 5 years to train my husband. sigh..
2. i think u need to move out because if he is like this now what will he be like if u get marry to him
3. Decisions Suck! Either way you will always wonder "what if"!
4. I think instead of breaking up with him, send him back home. Tell him you want to separate for a while. Tell him you think he is too dependent on you and you want him to learn independence. See if anything changes. You can still meet a few times a week. But if he can show you that he is willing to grow up, maybe you two could get back together. Don't tell him what he needs to do when you send him to his moms. Tell him you are no longer going to tell him what he should do. He needs to figure it out himself. A lot of men are like this. Mine included. But some times they get better, some times they don't. It took my husband a few years to get his crap together, but he finally did. I think kicking him out might be a wake up call.
5. He's obviously pissing away a relationship. Marriage would be a huge mistake since it's like marrying an 8 year old. Imagining him going to college and attending classes and managing a workload is tough considering how he takes advantage of your good nature. I'd leave now before you get more embroiled with a man who can't take care of things as any adult would.
6. I think you know what is going to happen when you marry him. He will not behave any different than how he is behaving now. Nothing will change. You will have to make all the decisions. And, God forbid, you should have kids, you will have the burden of directing them. Yes, I can not predict the future and he might change. But on a scale of one to ten, you can pick out the low number. Check out my source and get more help on what goes into relationships.
7. Put a stop to this now! You aren't a girlfriend. You are a mother of a young child. He is 25 years old. He should be taking care of himself and his family. Say you two get married and have children? do you honestly see him changing diapers and helping with midnight feedings? Don't break up with him, but tell him he need to grow up. I would seriously consider talking to him about moving out. Tell him he has alot to learn about life, and living together is a crutch that is going to keep him fron growing. He needs to learn to pay his own bills, clean up after himself (and you occassionally) and do things on his own. You used one word that sticks out- comfortable. He is comfortable in his job, and comfortable letting you take care of him. Make him uncomfortable. Make him realize you are not a slave, but a partner. Pay bills TOGETHER! Do the dishes TOGETHER! Or make a deal- you make dinner if he does the dishes, or vice versa. You clean the kitchen while he cleans the bathroom. You will fold the laundry if he puts it away. Stop enabling this immature, inconsiderate behavior or expect it to NEVER change.
8. To be fair he has spent 18 months in a relationship where allowing you to mother him has been rewarded, as you found it cute. This is probably learned behaviour and might take some time and encouragement to get him out of these developed habits. But if its over its over, and he will soon make the changes himself when his next partner finds it somewhat less endearing. Relationships change and the things we liked annoy, the things we disliked we grow fond of, we're all messed up really.
9. I can't help but laugh, only because this sounds exactly like how my relationship is.. My fiance only grew up with his mom, who did everything for him for many many years. Now, we live together and he just seems uncapable of doing things on his own. I have to help him with everything it seems. I guess what you have to ask yourself is- Is it worth it? Do you love this guy enough to have so much patience it will take to teach him how to do things? I decided it was.. Obviously we are engaged.. and I've actually never thought about breaking up because he doesn't know how to do things.. It was frustrating though. Just be patient and try to teach him how to do things. You're lucky he did the dish washer. My fiance hasn't ever touched that in 3 yrs! .. Anyway, hopefully he comes around. My fiance is coming around, especially because I work full time, go to school full time, and have recently been spending no time together. I tell him I don't have time to relax! Which I really don't.. I tell him we could spend more time together if he'd help out.. He still doesn't even have the washer and dryer down yet but is getting there. Good luck and be patient!
10. You can't change him. He will only change if HE decides to change. At least you now know what it will be like when you are married. If you can't picture yourself living like this then you know what to do.
11. To be honest, the issue of him picking up after himself is nowhere near as concerning as the other issue (that you have totally different life goals). I know it's a really tough situation to be in because I've been in it myself, but if he's content to make $40k a year in a mid-level job and doesn't want the additional stress of climbing some corporate ladder, and you want to see tangible advancement in this area, it simply won't work. You're heading in two opposite directions and if you think it's complicated now, wait til kids come! You won't change him and you shouldn't try. And the same could be said to him about you.
12. tell him to get off his ass and start helping more
13. Just because you have desires for upward mobility doesn't mean your husband has to have it, does it? If he's content, let him be content. Imagine if he hated his job and was stuck going in to it everyday. As far as helping out, if you just keep doing it yourself, why should he? If he does it when you ask, then ask him to do the jobs you want done. Some guys won't even do it when they are asked. It sounds like you have a good thing going. Don't ruin it by nit picking it to death.
14. i think you should separate and go from there that way he ll have to take care of himself. you seem to be his mother more than his girlfriend. if this gets to overwhelming and you want to stay with him why dont you hire a housekeeper and have him pay for it since he can seem to be bothered with helping you around the house.
15. and what... prey tell.... does this have to do with MARRIAGE AND DIVORCE?????