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LOST AND CONFUSED LIFEE I RUINED SOMEONES LIFEEE HELPPPPPPPPP?

Ok so ive been in a relationship for a little more then a year. I HATE MY LIFE. THIS ENTIRE MESS IS MY FAULTTTTTTT!!!!. From the beginning i got with my current boyfriend at work shortly after breaking up with my first boyfriend. I broke it off after about a month because back then my intuition was telling me he was kinda mean. I then ended up talking to my first boyfriend again but nothing happened we just talked. And while i was with him one day my current boyfriend called and hes like hi and im like i cant talk to you im with my boyfriend. :| On top of that when his uncle died and the thoughtless careless stupid retarded bitch that I am I said, "Sorry I know this is a bad time but do you have chronic?" And then on top of everything my current boyfriend got back together with me about a year ago and he was really nice in the beginning but slowly slowly verbal, emotional and physical abuse started to form. It escalated from a silly slap into getting kicked and punch in the side of my head for long periods of time. I admit i Have an anger problem. I know how angry he is but I still do things to try and piss him off. Like i do stupid things like smoke behind his back. Or lie about stupid things like lie about not going to macdonalds with my mom. Once he called me on the other line and didnt say anything. I picked up said hello like three times and went back to the otehr line which was him and yelled out to my brother that his friend had called and he said to c all him back. See what I mean. Im fuked. SO Do i deserve all the wrong in my life?? I would say yes. And If sukhi leaves me i guess this is my punishment. OK SO WHAT HAPPENED: Monday I was in my school library for third period and I saw ppl on facebook which meant some computers werent being blockked for online messenger facebook etc. (I had told my bf recently they were blocked so i couldnt talk to him online because they are on some computers) neways i went online and a PICTURE? from like 5 million years ago came up on the display which is also funny because I havnt put up a display picture of myself up for YEARS. SO its funy how this all played out. So he said he didnt wanna be with me anymore etc. I went home and he called and as he picked up and i picked up the msging system caught us. and he started screaming as usual and said he was going to fuking kill me and screamed and yelled etc. while my mom could fully hearr and i even told himm my mom can here stopp yelling she had just talked to u the day before and look at what your doing again. he said he didnt giv a fuk and left. We talked on and off till wednesday where on that day we made up on msn again kind of. But we have a mental relationship because we fight on purpose sometimes i think to get attention. ANyways hes like ohh i crave for your love etc. and i thought everything was ok so I told him I was going to ride my bike to his house. (He compared me to his ex, as she used to walk to his house and me being an idiot tried and competes with her) So I was up the road on the way to his house and I saw him driving towards me so I got mad and turned around and went back home. When i got home he wasnt there, i ran inside to call him and told him ITS OVER on the phone. He arrived two seconds later and knocked on the door. He's like where were you you were cheating me in an alley way. And I was like why are u lying i saw you on so and so road so I came back He said I was lying when i fully saw him on that road. I said see its you who always likes to fight your lying to fight with me. And hes liek why dont u look at me when I talk and then he hit me on the side of my face and I got pissed off and I punched him in the side of the face because I got so pissed. He thinks he can man handle me anyway how, it pisses you off. I punched him in the side of the face. He got reallllyyyy pissed off started banging all over the side of the house and left in his car. I went inside where he came back really pissed off started yellling and screaming for me to get outside and banging on shit and throwing shit around. He threew a pieve of wood with nails sticking out of it through my window and he threw a fuking squash through my window. Kicked shit everywhwere. Kept screaminggg and swearing then he started to bang down teh door. My brother was getting scared because Sukhi always has these outburts. The last time my brother was so scared he stayed with me the whole time while sukhi kept punching me and pulling my hair and hurting me , bodyslamming me with his fuking body in front of my grandmother. He did it because I was smoking behind his back. ANyways , I begged him not to call teh cops my brother got mad. I tried calling sukhi to calm him down i warned him my brothers going to call the cops if u dont calm down and he wouldn stop he got more angry because he said hes gonna call the cops he kept kicking the door. The lockk was loose after u couldnt even close the door properly. i opened the side window

Public Comments

1. I don't really care. It's too long and why did you post this here. Did it effect your marriage somehow? Go forth and talk to other children and yes, I am a d!ck.
2. We didnt need the life story to know that 1.you need help with your anger and 2. that none of you needs to be in a relationship til you all grow up
3. What is even the question here? You are making no sense.Sounds like you are too in to drama. Don't drag others into this crap.
4. The only advice that I can give you is to remove yourself from this relationship and work only on your self and what you want out of life. Never subject yourself to any man that is physically abusive and raises his fists to you. This guy has a choice to walk away from you no matter what and refuse to not connect with you when he feels that he needs to do that. This is an unhealthy relationship for you and you may not think this but one day he could attack you in such an aggressive way and kill you. All it takes is for someone to hit you on your head on the right spot and cause a brain hemorrhage. Do not subject yourself to anyone like this no matter what you think you feel about him or that you deserve to be treated this way because you don't. Sweetie, I am really concerned for you because you cannot keep allowing it and going back for more. it sounds like you are in an addictive relationship and blaming yourself for his choice of behavior so do not accept this.He is controlling and you cannot even be yourself. So be out of this situation and be done with him.
5. Wow! Sounds like a mess that will be very difficult to clean up. Your personal life is having a very detrimental effect on your family (like your mother and brother). You don't want that, do you? In the long run, family is all that truly matters in the end. Where's your father? You need a responsible, mature, loving man in your life and these boyfriends are just not cutting it. But what you really need is how to like just being with yourself, without any boyfriends or drugs. Obviously you are trying to escape from something. You don't like yourself too much, do you? Well, you are a valuable person. You deserve love and kindness just as much as the next girl. You do not deserve to be hit, yelled at, or mistreated. And your body deserves to be treated with respect--not drugs or beatings. Maybe your local church youth group can help. Or perhaps your school guidance counselor. Seek help from someone. You deserve a happy, healthy life. Do not deny yourself that because you think you ruined someone's life (which you haven't.)